hypothetical

So recently my grandfather was sent to a hospital where it was found his white blood cell count was very high, which to me sounds like a good thing but apparently its not. He's back home and moving around as normal as can be (he is one stubborn old man). I decided to visit him on sat with my mom and watch movies. Now Its not because I fear for him, the truth is, as much as i can i prepare myself for the day i walk into my house with one of parents in distress telling me that one of my grandparents passed on. I know their old and though they do the best to take care of themselves time cares not for health.

I wonder what I will do when that news becomes a reality one day. I feel my initial reaction would be to do what I always do and that is to bottle it up and acknowledge that nothing can be done. The downfall of that is, sooner or later I will have to see my parents fall and sooner or later they will try and talk to me to help them. and that is one thing I never have been able to do comfortable. My relationship with my parents has somewhat deteriorated over the years. I still love them, its just I try and push them out of my personal life more and more. I fight them when they ask where I am going, what my plans are or even what time I will be home. I feel I am at the age when I am past all that. I never gave my parents reason to not trust my judgment nor that I run with a "bad crowd". So personal feelings are somewhat of a uncomfortable conversation with my parents, and to have them admit they are weak and in pain, only makes it harder to keep my feelings bottled up so that I can keep my life easier. Now its not to say that i won't care or I wouldn't cry, its just my natural instinct is to try and be numb.

this in the end is a horrible trait, and one that will probably follow me to the grave.

I know this rant is all over the place, but I just want to say I am not a bad person when it comes to others feelings, i really try not to be. I do empathize quite well actually, its just, i hate to see other people in pain, I hate to mourn, I hate knowing there is nothing I can do and have to wait for time to pass and peoples lives to change paths.

I am sorry to anyone I shown a cold uncaring face too, understand that I try to cope quicker so that I don't have to morn.

Under the Influence

So sometimes I find myself staring at the question, can I be all the ways I see myself in my own mind at once? OK so that's a weird way of putting it, but basically everyone has a self image tucked away in their head. basically its how you think other people view you, (i think there is an actual psychology term for it) but the weird thing (or at least its kinda weird to me) I have like at least 3 different versions of how I could be. One being some kind of Nomad Wanderer, another being a teacher in another country and one being some kind of computer person, like HTML working at one of those "cutting edge" company (like cut-co or inter-slice). Yet from where I stand now, none of those are really there. I don't know if all those are just way to far out of my grasp or my mind constantly battles with what I need to do with my life.

Honestly I just want to do something I like, I am stuck in a dead end job now which I hate every second of. I made a resume (first time since High School) and I am planning on the escape very soon.

God I seriously hate my job!!

I need passion I need drive.... I just need something, something to let me know I have purpose.

No More Kings - Sweep The Leg

A awesome music video by the band No More Kings, its about Johnny from Karate Kid and his life after the movie, they managed to get most of the actors from eh movie to do cameos on the video (minus pat since I do believe he as dead before the video) but its worth a watch and thier cd is awesome, I love almost every song on it (one or two are misses in my book)

IM OUT!

A Happy Post

So after about 3months of being unemployed and looking for a job I finally got me a job again. I am working at a local coffee shop and no its not Starbucks. I am pretty psyched to work here. The two interviews I went through wernt so much as if i was right for the job, but more like to make sure I wasn't some sort of douche that would end up pissing off the other employees (and i passed the non-douche test with flying colors).

I don't start till the 18th but, i have a paid meeting on the 17th for orientation so theres some easy cash right there. So to give an interpretation of my current happiness level I give you the internet...... Junior Senior

Local H - Fritz Corner

The Angry Suburban Theme. when i am pissed off at something, or just in a craptacular mood, I blast this on my stereo and wonder if grunge will ever makes its comeback.....

the world needs it more then ever

When you can no longer see the light, make some

For almost a month now I have been job hunting, mainly trying to find something I can be passionate about and love, so a month or two down the road I don't hate my life. I have done at least 5-8 job applications and only 2 call backs. I wonder if is due to the job market being crap right now or the fact that I am not as "hot" in the retail world as I thought I was. Either way this tue I have an interview at a Fossil store in the Columbia mall. Its just a small nook, and only sells accessories which is fine by me since I am not really hip when it comes to fashion. So I am excited about this, and hope all goes well.

I also am excited about the month of June. Offspring is coming out with a new album and Metal Gear Solid 4 comes out!!!!
Offspring was the first band i really got into. I remember being hooked when my brother drove me to our granparents for Thanksgiving and Bad Habit started to play. I was shocked (being only like 7 or something) and the F bomb dropped. But all the energy and raw vibe it gave, really struck something with me, since then I have collected all their albums (Ixnay on the Hombre being my favorite), and look forward
to any they put out in the near future.

Metal Gear Solid is my FAVORITE video games series OF ALL TIME!!! Ever since playing it on my brothers playstation for 8 hrs straight in one sitting, I knew this was the game for me. The story line and character voice acting and character development was some of the best (from a non RPG) I ever played. Though Metal Gear Solid 2 kinda sucked but Metal Gear 3 totally made up for it, I can only imagine how epic Metal Gear 4 will be. I have done by best to dodge any and all information and previews of it, so it all seems fresh when I play it.

So a bit of a nerdy rant today

IM OUT

A Summer of Love

Wow really didn't think I would being noticing this but, it seems like everyone is getting married. Well to be truthful at least two people I know (one being my brother)is getting married this summer. I am very excited about my brothers wedding. Its just makes me happy to see my older brother settle down, hes pushing 33 this year.

The other wedding is my two friends, I am excited about that wedding as well.

More then ever the big thing I can't help but notice is all my friends are getting married early! I mean 3 of my friend married before the age of 25!!

jealous you ask? yeah kinda.....

but then again not really feeling the whole "putting effort into it" thing!

Well in school news i failed my math class (not surprised) and got a C in my Art History, which was the HARDEST class i ever had in my life. It was a 1 hr and 50minute lecture class and your class grade was based on 3 exams and a paper. I Got a D on the first exam bombed the 2nd one and got a C on the paper and a B on the last exam, so I am happy about that. Hopefully I got a B in my English class and a C in my computer science class. But those grades have not been posted yet.

As for summer plans, I am gonna buy a web development book soon and begin working on the old site thing. I plan on making a Street Fighter Fan Site. I have a basic idea on what to put on it, yet the layout is still kind of fuzzy.

Really dont have much else to say right now so

IM OUT

Step by Step

Well, kinda just messing around with this thing for now, I cant wrap my mind around how to alter the html template simply because I cant figure out the coding, but I am sure I can crack that lil nugget sooner or later. SO the blog.......why do I use it.... well venting for one, and mindless rants being the other. Think I might start with a mindless rant since well...... just gotta go with what you know sometimes.

First time ever two days ago I saw Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and I have to say it confused me. After seeing that film I never want to ever come close to a hallucinatory drug in my life, yet I also want to do a whacked out adventure like Hunter did. I mean at no point did I look at the film and went, yeah i am all about tripping balls and throwing up every 10 minutes!! but damnit if that movie didn't make drugs look kind of cool.

Guess thats all the attention span I have to go right now so....

IM OUT!

argh

well, heres to the adventures of the suburbanite kidd