hypothetical

So recently my grandfather was sent to a hospital where it was found his white blood cell count was very high, which to me sounds like a good thing but apparently its not. He's back home and moving around as normal as can be (he is one stubborn old man). I decided to visit him on sat with my mom and watch movies. Now Its not because I fear for him, the truth is, as much as i can i prepare myself for the day i walk into my house with one of parents in distress telling me that one of my grandparents passed on. I know their old and though they do the best to take care of themselves time cares not for health.

I wonder what I will do when that news becomes a reality one day. I feel my initial reaction would be to do what I always do and that is to bottle it up and acknowledge that nothing can be done. The downfall of that is, sooner or later I will have to see my parents fall and sooner or later they will try and talk to me to help them. and that is one thing I never have been able to do comfortable. My relationship with my parents has somewhat deteriorated over the years. I still love them, its just I try and push them out of my personal life more and more. I fight them when they ask where I am going, what my plans are or even what time I will be home. I feel I am at the age when I am past all that. I never gave my parents reason to not trust my judgment nor that I run with a "bad crowd". So personal feelings are somewhat of a uncomfortable conversation with my parents, and to have them admit they are weak and in pain, only makes it harder to keep my feelings bottled up so that I can keep my life easier. Now its not to say that i won't care or I wouldn't cry, its just my natural instinct is to try and be numb.

this in the end is a horrible trait, and one that will probably follow me to the grave.

I know this rant is all over the place, but I just want to say I am not a bad person when it comes to others feelings, i really try not to be. I do empathize quite well actually, its just, i hate to see other people in pain, I hate to mourn, I hate knowing there is nothing I can do and have to wait for time to pass and peoples lives to change paths.

I am sorry to anyone I shown a cold uncaring face too, understand that I try to cope quicker so that I don't have to morn.